On Longing
The crone energy is so seductive
I always feel her at this time of year.
And right now my body
The moon
And the seasons
Are singing from the same deep.
I feel her black expanse
As she croons to me,
"Come and rest, little daughter
You've lived many lifetimes
These thirty years
My sweet."
I think of the experience that was hard to win
There isn't much I haven't done
Isn't much
I can't lay my compassion like a blanket over
And pour my wisdom for like tea.
I find myself craving
To stay with the grandmothers forever
To lay my longings in a wooden chest with lavender
And close the lid.
Today I am tired
And here I will sit
Surrendering to the dark
That nourishes the seed of my courage
The soil that holds me tight and snug
Until I am able
To crack open
To bud.
"It's not your time, yet" she whispers
"But I will cradle you until you feel ready
To step out and dance again.
Flowers in your hair, daughter,
Man on your arm
Babe at the breast.
Don't lay it all away with me just yet."
- Jenny Wren
The Annunication
In The Annunciation, when Mary is asked to be the mother of God, she is being asked to allow her heart to remain open in a world that is simultaneously joy and pain.
Keeping an open heart through life's trials, some involving persecution, abuse, is the greatest challenge of all. Can you remain open to it all? Can you let yourself feel it all?
Can you look for the innocence in others? Can you believe if they knew how to behave better, they would?
I've been thinking and talking a lot about trauma with people in my life recently, and the journey from being somebody with low self-esteem who lets others walk all over them, to being traumatised and seeing the world as baddies and goodies, abusers and victims, which is a necessary step.
The final one being able to feel inside a sense of wellness and protection no matter what and seeing the humanity of those who hurt others, acknowledging that sometimes we are the one who does the hurting and we are no better than anybody else. It is a process of cracking open and being humbled.
In the stories of the life of Jesus, Clark Strand and Perdita Finn who wrote "Way of the Rose" encourage us to see ourselves as all the characters when we are meditating on the mysteries. Sometimes we are the Jesus being flogged and sometimes we are the one holding the whip. How good are we at surrendering to what is? How good are we at refusing to punish and persecute others, even if that is only in our own heads?
I think about this in relation to the birth world, a place I rarely engage in these days. So many traumatised women trapped in the second stage of recovery and either bullying each other or playing victim while also trying to rescue women from the system. I have been that person.
I'm not interested in trauma olympics anymore. Everybody has been traumatised, everybody. We are all in this together. I am here to hold compassionate space for that. I'm interested in how you are able to hold everybody's humanity and keep your heart open to feel it all.
- my progesterone always drops around day 22 and then I can't sleep and want to write.
Lessons from the eight of swords
Lessons from the eight of swords
One thing I've noticed with traumatised women and dating, is the hyper-vigilance and tendency to cut and run at the first glimpse of reality, that their lover is less than perfect. It is something I've struggled with and I've witnessed in friends. I only became ready to break the cycle when I decided to date a good friend of mine who I knew had my best interests at heart and was fundamentally good and decent. It didn't work out but I am forever grateful for the lessons I learned.
I was talking about this with a friend the other day, and how we confuse legitimate human experiences with red flags. It's okay for my lover to have conflict with myself and others sometimes. What is important is how they speak about the others involved - do their words and actions show a fundamental level of respect? Are they seeking more to understand than to be right?
Conflict can teach us so much about how somebody values us. The healing of the repair makes us grateful for the rupture.
Traumatised women are so scared that if they allow their lover to be human there will come a point in the relationship where they are trapped and can't leave. This is a story they have lived through where they felt there came a certain point in a toxic relationship where it was perceived it was impossible to go. It becomes so much easier to cut and run to not have to face your own lack of self trust. No relationship is binding. Do you trust yourself to walk away when necessary?
If you never let yourself feel uncomfortable you're never going to fall in love. If you want a relationship you need to be able to honour the humanity in another and hold them in grace.
- thoughts on a Saturday morning
