Dark Nights

A few nights ago I dreamed a dark man was chasing me again. I have this dream a lot. I try to call the police and the numbers don't work on my phone.

I try to run but my legs are so heavy and he is catching me up. He says he only wants me to love him but he is so aggressive, so persistent, so frightening, this doesn't feel like love.

I lash out, I beg, I plead. He wants my essence. He sees himself as a victim of my power. He doesn't listen to me.

Another man, a kind one that I recognise, is making a room beautiful for me and stringing up fairylights. I am not allowed to stay because I am being chased, and there is another woman there who I must lie and hide from.

I don't want this kind man to know how I am always on the run, this shadow of shame and fear that chases me from within and without. So I hide from him too. I hide from the woman who makes me feel dirty and ashamed for being human.

And afterwards I sat down in safety, surrounded by people who were sympathetic, safety in numbers, in the group, only to realise I had bled all down my legs.

I thought "it can't be my cycle, it's not the right time". But there was the blood and everybody was staring at me. They had thought that I needed saving from the darkness and now my blood was everywhere, exposing my power.

They were horrified.

I woke and I was bleeding. I'd crossed over the first gate in the night early again.

Being called to release more often, more frequently, renewing, reclaiming--

Then more nightmares.

A man in a shroud. It is my fault. Shouting and yelling. Uncovering. Discovering.

Over the coming days feeling more calm and balanced than I've felt in a long time, feeling nourished from within, able to meet my own needs, seeing things with so much clarity.

What an incredible time.

What is the night revealing to you?

Women Who Encapsulate their Placena

Women who choose placenta encapsulation... I love them!

I love this aspect of my work so much and the way it brings me in touch with so many different kinds of women.

Women who from the outside could not be more different... but all sharing something, a certain look in their eye maybe.

I cannot even begin to explain the way I view my placenta work, not just in terms of the nutritional and hormonal benefits, but as something much more sacred.

Just as the baby is connected and nourished by their placenta, so are we held and loved by the earth. She who gives life also consumes it. And therefore placenta consumption reflects this beautiful cycle of birth/death/rebirth, as in nature, where nothing is ever wasted.

When you use your placenta you are participating in deep feminine wisdom, the wisdom of the earth, your inheritance and your power.

That is what all these women have in common. They have been called by that wisdom. And that's why I love serving them 🙏

Feast Day of Mary Magdalene

It's the Feast Day of Mary Magdalene today.

I thought about the energy of this day and how I could honour it. How I could bring a sense of sensualness and magic. I went to bed last night with a trauma migraine, wrestling with the concepts of freedom, resignation, power, choice and autonomy. I have no doubt I chose this path as my soul's journey but it would be nice to have a break from being the one who says no to everything.

Not me. Not my children.

How I haven't spoken up on things that are important to me lately because I am scared of losing friends and clients. How I have this intrusive vision in my head of my life in ashes and it was all my fault. The fear of being burned. My friend Sam said wisely that when you're used to starting your life over from scratch it is a very real fear. It happens.

More recently, the repeated message I have been receiving that the energy I give off is intimidating. And yet I'm so kind and calm. This paradox of power is to me the essence of the patriarchal fear of women, who are all things.

The institutions in place designed to keep women small, creating the illusion that they have any control over the givers of life.

I have been bullied and silenced by institutions and my fellow women.

Mary Magdalene, the harlot. Knowing that the word "harlot" actually means "womb of light" in ancient Hebrew.

This passage has been in my head for the past week, about the fear of female power and divinity, and the devouring Goddess who gives life.

''For I am the first and the last
The honored and the scorned,
The harlot and the holy one,
The wife and the virgin,
The mother and the daughter,
And I am the members of my own motherhood.
I am the incomprehensible silence and
the often-remembered thought,
I am the voice of many sounds and
the expression of many designs.
I am the utterance of my own name.
For I am the Sophia of the Greeks
And the Gnosis of the barbarians.
The one who has been hated everywhere,
and loved everywhere.
I am godless and I am she whose godhood is multiple.
I am the one whom you have considered and
whom you have scorned.
I am unlearned, and it is from me that you learn.
I am the gnosis of my seeking,
and the finding of those who seek after me.''

-Thunder, Perfect Mind

My affirmations of today in honour of the original harlot

"I claim my right to be all things"

"I do not acknowledge any external authority over my womanly sovereignty"

"I relinquish any contracts I may have made in this life or another to stay small and safe"