It's been exactly four years since I officially trained as a doula and I feel like I've come on a journey all the way back to the beginning.
Doula circles are feeling more and more unwelcome to me as the "groupthink" is strong and ostracisation happens to those who don't toe the party line.
Which makes sense when you realise the vast majority of doulas are women with birth trauma who are trying to save themselves through their clients. "If only I'd had a doula" they say.
It wouldn't have changed anything.
Doulas have no power and can't save anybody from institutionalised abuse.
We need to stop pretending that we make things better. It is unethical.
It's an illusion.
I still remember at one of my first ever births stopping a consultant from assaulting my client and being shouted at as the mother was giving birth. The assault happened anyway and I felt so guilty that I had caused a scene at her birth and I never opened my mouth again.
And being willing to go back to the hospital again and again KNOWING what it was like, shaking when I saw that particular consultant.
Do you know how traumatised some doulas are? But we don't talk about it because we don't want to scare women, or make them think we aren't strong enough to support them, we think it's better they have us than have nobody. But in private they are exhausted, burnt out, and feel it's impossible to stem the rising tide of unnecessary inductions and medical interventions all the while not being allowed to have an opinion on it.
Doulas want to seem nice, they want to be there for you, not appear that dirty of all dirty words "judgemental".
It's not judgemental to have a strong opinion on coercion and abuse.
And I'm not pretending anymore.
