autumn (goodbye to who you were)

“Everything you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for”

I've had a long September of rest, frustration, contemplation and unending planning. Finishing teaching Daisy under somebody else sooner than anticipated, putting plans in motion to take the business forward alone from October...

As the mornings are getting darker and now we've approached the Autumn Equinox, all these emotions and experiences I've been carrying around are being changed, transmogrified. I could feel the darkness building, it was almost tangible.

I had a session with Emma Burns the reflexologist and it was so helpful to go over everything with an impartial ear and it certainly triggered the ruminations that I've been having in the weeks since.

I've been exploring different sides of myself and really examining my beliefs and questioning the openness of my mind. Seeing how deep I can delve into myself.

Things have been brewing...

I had an altercation yesterday with somebody who has done me very wrong this year. They started trying to intimidate me the way they always used to and I snapped. I felt a hot anger that I have only felt once before in my life and I unleashed it. It felt like venom and surprised me at the intensity that came from somewhere dark within. It stunned them to silence.

I felt out of kilter and wild-eyed yesterday. The month was ending and I was spiralling into that otherworldly place women go to at this time. I felt like a caged animal so I got in the car and found myself sat on a big rock by the ocean, hugging myself, my body opening and watching the waves beating upon the shore, getting ever closer, consuming the beach. It was dark and I knew if I stayed there I would soon be consumed too and it scared and thrilled me.

I have a gentle nature and in my life I prioritise peace and harmony above all things. I have sometimes done this at the expense of my needs and well-being. For me yesterday it was helpful to feel that dark, primitive rage and realise how far I have come from the subdued person who would accept ill-treatment. Ignoring the balance of our natures is detrimental. Behind every gentle mother is a fierce warrior, once cannot exist without the other. 

This year has demanded so much of me, resilience, sacrifice. The self I look at in the mirror has had everything I thought I knew destroyed and taken from me.

On the other hand, a gift. I've been put in the fire and been forged anew.

So I say goodbye to the woman who was me as this season draws to a close, it feels right, it is right. There is a new chapter beginning from the darkness. I am filled with hope and wonderment that I am here, all the unexpected blessings that have since fallen into my lap like ripe apples. I have found trust in the process and that it is all for a purpose. I was not ready before.  

"Coming Out" As Vegan

I want to start this blog off by apologising to my good friend Shane who I once mocked for becoming 'accidentally vegan'.

Because the same thing happened to me.

I became a vegetarian as a child as soon as I was able. Until I had Judah I had been a vegetarian for ten years. I didn't really enjoy the taste of meat or the way that it would sit heavy in my stomach. I used to feel cleaner, lighter, freer as a vegetarian. I didn't necessarily connect it with animals, although I did love animals, but more the way meat made me feel - heavy and clogged.

I also wasn't a fan of dairy. I used to work in Starbucks, steaming hundreds of litres of milk a day. If I forgot to wash one of my aprons it would soon become rancid. Milk in itself made me feel a bit sick, I wasn't a huge fan of cheese, I hated eggs, I pretty much didn't consume many animal products at all.

During pregnancy I returned to eating meat, craving food I hadn't wanted since I could remember. I was concerned that a growing baby might not be able to thrive on a vegetarian diet so I ate meat. I continued to eat it during breastfeeding. My ex-husband was a big meat eater (it's a large part of the Polish diet) so I cooked and ate it too. I would refuse to touch it with my bare hands and used to hate washing the pan. Then one day when Judah was about thirteen months old I was cooking dinner and I looked at the meat and my stomach turned again. I couldn't eat a bite. 

I made the easy transition back to vegetarianism. Veganism always struck me as an extremist diet, used sometimes to mask eating problems, just taking things a little too far. It has been constantly drilled into us from childhood we need the nutrients found in dairy. When I met my daughter's father he was a staunch vegan but never pressed his views on me. Just cooked me amazing food! (if you want to convert somebody, that is definitely the way to do it)

I was picking up food for him from the shop when I realised how easy it was to just substitute ingredients. You could get all the nutrients you needed from the most basic ingredients. Soy, nutritional yeast, chickpeas, beans. Vegan stock, dairy-free sauces, it was amazing. I doubled up on everything and took half home and began to cook. I really enjoyed cooking again for the first time in years, not cringing as I was handling my ingredients, not worried about it not being 'done' and poisoning me.

In my spare time I watched two documentaries - Cowspiracy and Earthlings, along with a video called Dairy is Scary. It completely convinced me. I couldn't believe the environmental impact factory farming has, the emissions, all the grain we feed to cattle that could feed people. As a breastfeeding mother, the reality of how we obtain cow's milk was a tough one. Seeing how as humans we are speciesist, valuing the lives of cats and dogs over cows and pigs, how we don't even question it. Earthlings especially made me feel awful, some of the images will stay with me forever! I was shocked to discover slaughterhouse workers are often perpetrators of domestic abuse, clearly violence begets violence and consuming the product of that violence just seemed so wrong.

The hardest part has been incidental milk products, the strangest things contain dairy, for example salt and vinegar crisps tend to have milk in them! Apparently they add dairy to preserves to make them expire quicker, ensuring you'll replace them sooner. So really examining what I was buying was tough but also pleasantly surprising as to the things that were accidentally vegan! (Bourbons! To which I've rekindled my childhood addiction...) Another hard part has been refusing food and not feeling confident enough to inform others of my decision. So this is how I'm doing it. I've been really nervous about it and I don't know why.

I feel happier, lighter. I'm enjoying feeding Judah meals that I know are nourishing and balanced, experimenting with new foods, considering and ensuring the nutritional value of meals, something I never did as a vegetarian. So I am far healthier now as vegan than vegetarian. I feel like I look better, my eyes are brighter, my face slimmer and I've dramatically reduced my chocolate and sugar intake. Vegan chocolate is expensive and I can only eat a little bit of dark chocolate at a time. I feel like my actions are aligning with my values and it's a really good feeling.

I just wanted people to know, especially those close to me, because it does make things different with regards to gifts and things and it's easier this way. Truthfully I haven't had dairy in about three/four months so it's not a new thing by any means. I say I went 'accidentally vegan', as it was never a conscious decision, I just became more and more aware and stopped seeing animal products as food. I remarked about a month ago that I'd been eating vegan for so long I just needed to admit it to myself.

Sorry to the vegans I silently and not-so-silently judged, now I can definitely admit you were right! But it's been a gradual process and one I had to go through to get here.

When People Disappoint Me

I am the first to admit I see the good in people. I recently joked to my aunt and mother I should have 'NAIVE' tattooed on my forehead.

"The only tattoo you haven't got!" they laughed.

This year in particular has been a difficult journey in having to accept the motivations of others are known only to them, that sometimes people do not behave in the same way that you would. It has felt like I have been repeatedly punched to the floor and dragged back up for more. I always thought that other people were just bumbling along, generally trying to do the right thing, making mistakes but admitting them and asking forgiveness....

It is this belief of mine that has led me into situations where I have compromised myself. I have given too much and received nothing in return. Or worse, those people who were so close to me have turned away and betrayed me. Even those who were not directly involved and believe the lies told about you. I am honest to a fault and it hurts me when motives are assigned to me that I would never dream of. 

It would be easy after this year to become cynical and guarded, but I cannot do that. I am an open, giving person. I am perpetually shocked by each experience as it occurs and reveals the true character of others. One perhaps negative aspect of my nature is my all/nothing approach. If I love you, if you are important to me, I will do anything for you. I will forgive mistakes again and again, never mention them, move forward.

At some point I have a line, where people push my boundaries too far. Then it's like a drawbridge comes down on my heart and the relationship is irretrievable. I know this is my nature. You will know when this has happened to you.

Against all sense, I have to believe in the good nature of people. The amazing women I see supporting and inspiring each other. The men I know who are wonderful partners and fathers. Those who are fair and just and see the good in me too. But right now I just feel disappointed.

Moving forward, I need to see these disappointments as blessings. They are release. These relationships that drained far too much from me, made unfair demands, took from me until I had barely anything left for myself. With the ending of these relationships comes freedom. Now I just need to decide what I am going to do with it.