I am the first to admit I see the good in people. I recently joked to my aunt and mother I should have 'NAIVE' tattooed on my forehead.
"The only tattoo you haven't got!" they laughed.
This year in particular has been a difficult journey in having to accept the motivations of others are known only to them, that sometimes people do not behave in the same way that you would. It has felt like I have been repeatedly punched to the floor and dragged back up for more. I always thought that other people were just bumbling along, generally trying to do the right thing, making mistakes but admitting them and asking forgiveness....
It is this belief of mine that has led me into situations where I have compromised myself. I have given too much and received nothing in return. Or worse, those people who were so close to me have turned away and betrayed me. Even those who were not directly involved and believe the lies told about you. I am honest to a fault and it hurts me when motives are assigned to me that I would never dream of.
It would be easy after this year to become cynical and guarded, but I cannot do that. I am an open, giving person. I am perpetually shocked by each experience as it occurs and reveals the true character of others. One perhaps negative aspect of my nature is my all/nothing approach. If I love you, if you are important to me, I will do anything for you. I will forgive mistakes again and again, never mention them, move forward.
At some point I have a line, where people push my boundaries too far. Then it's like a drawbridge comes down on my heart and the relationship is irretrievable. I know this is my nature. You will know when this has happened to you.
Against all sense, I have to believe in the good nature of people. The amazing women I see supporting and inspiring each other. The men I know who are wonderful partners and fathers. Those who are fair and just and see the good in me too. But right now I just feel disappointed.
Moving forward, I need to see these disappointments as blessings. They are release. These relationships that drained far too much from me, made unfair demands, took from me until I had barely anything left for myself. With the ending of these relationships comes freedom. Now I just need to decide what I am going to do with it.
