When I said "we" I meant "me" | Jenny Wren

Being a truly single parent has it's pros and cons, one pro being you get to make all the decisions, one con being you are responsible for every single decision you make. Therefore all the blame or praise lands directly on you.

Scary stuff.

One thing I noticed I did recently at an appointment for the baby, is I said "*we* decided xyz..."

It's a slip of the tongue that I've caught myself doing before, the way I spoke about my pregnancy and birth choices just continued past birth, and it probably comes from this anxiety about being judged as a single mother for possibly making the wrong choices.

Like there is some mysterious man at home in charge validating my decisions, making them legitimate. The seal of approval from a higher authority.

Instead of just me.

It's tough because there is nobody to bounce ideas off, to make mistakes together, to present a united front, to work as a team. I know relationships don't work like that all the time and there can be power struggles, disagreements. If I'm honest the thought of somebody, anybody, telling me what to do with my children makes my spine stiffen, hackles rise.

Why even now do I still do it?

I spoke to some of my single mum friends and they said "oh god I do that too".

It's clearly a conditioned behaviour I need to unlearn.

So if I said "we" I meant "me".

I make my decisions from what I know in my heart to be right. I spend all day every day with my children, I grew them in my body, I birthed them and fed them and sang to them, massaged and rocked and changed them on my own. There is nobody who knows what is best for them more than me.

I am their mother, and this is what I have decided.

Choice | Jenny Wren

To other people our choices might seem crazy. To one woman an induction for a poorly baby might seem nonsensical, to another waiting for labour to start might seem unimaginable. Who is wrong?

Neither of them are.

Women deserve ALL information. Dismissing valid sources based on personal biases has no place in maternity care. There is no wrong choice. What one person decides is dangerous will be different to another. You have a right to decline care even if it's to the detriment of your health just as you can accept care even if it's to the detriment of your health.

Let us not infantilise women and talk like they need protection from themselves and the big scary internet.

You can make a decision based on top A grade evidence (like only 12% of maternity care guidelines), on the poorest quality study going (bearing in mind some official guidelines don't even have evidence to support them), on the planetary alignments, on what a fortune teller told you, your gut instinct, just how you woke up feeling that day.

I run this page because overwhelmingly women are saying they are NOT satisfied with the information being given to them, or the manner in which it is delivered. Sometimes I wish my job didn't exist at all.It wasn't so long ago delayed cord clamping had a huge evidence base and wasn't standard practice. Current practice is not always best standard. Always research things yourself if it matters to you.

You are intelligent, you are the expert, you are responsible for your body and your baby.

A "Doula" or a "be-la"? | Jenny Wren

I've been thinking lately about my approach to doulaing and how it coincides with the article about Megan Markle where doulas were called a professional "hand-holder".

Some people wrote about how we are much more than that, and the amazing benefits that we bring to birth. All these benefits are evidence-based and reported by mothers. It struck me how we often feel the need to justify our worth in this way.

Just hand-holding is enough.

Still amongst doulas there is huge variation to how we work, and I've noticed more and more in the birth world that people seem to want to be seen to be doing and fixing what I would consider to be normal situations.

The specifics I won't go into here as it's not my place to tell others how to work or what skills to use with their clients. I am not even saying one way is right and one way is wrong. But for me, personally, I see so much that mirrors our medical colleagues, in that an intervention is performed in the hopes of achieving a favourable outcome. The implication being that without this intervention the mother could not have birthed her baby.

All this comes from a deep desire to help but also, I believe, from a discomfort with being "just" a doula or 'hand-holder'.

When did we go from being with women to doing things to them?

When a mother comes to us with a concern or a problem, when did we decide to fix it for her instead of filling her with confidence and self belief?

To me, I am a space holder. I am the ear on the end of the phone as she talks through a difficult decision. The one who listens to her hopes and fears and affirms I believe in her and what she is doing. Often it's a reassurance that everything is normal, is simply a variation. Your baby isn't in position at 28 weeks, your body is designed to birth, 41 weeks is a perfectly normal gestation. Taking our modern cultural narrative of birth and redirecting it to the timeless truths and peace and calm.

I am not a mini midwife, albeit using more palatable interventions to achieve outcomes.

In my own work I often really think about the message we are sending women when we have a million tricks up our sleeves.

I don't take anything to a birth because my presence is enough for all those positive associations doulas have.

To all new doulas - you are enough. Just being is enough. And if you really and truly believe this, you are showing your client you believe that she is enough too.