The Higher World | Jenny Wren

When we were in the higher world

Two souls who had traversed many lifetimes together

We met one day as we were preparing for another adventure--

You looked me earnestly in the eye and told me you wanted to learn about unconditional love.

I smiled as I had been thinking the same thing. We could always read each other's desires.

We made a deal to meet out there, two humans with pain and so much to learn.

An opportunity to grow.

You hurt me, I didn't fight back, the love and the darkness grew and grew like twin forces struggling for dominance. Who would be stronger, which one would win?

Love and hurt and shame forced from my psyche, making me confront years of suffering I had pushed to the side.

Forced out in me a fierce protector that I never knew existed.

Sacrifice. Darkness.

Then, unexpectedly, light.

I don't know how the story ends yet.

My mirror, my twin, the unstoppable force meeting the immovable object.

Our futures entwined.

And we'll meet back there.

In the higher world.

When our work for this lifetime is done.

You'll say, that was a trip!

What shall we do when we go around again?

Memories | Jenny Wren

Memories come back to me of who I was before I was a mother.

I remarked to a friend recently - all I have left for myself is my body. And even that I have to share.

I was the girl with the ringlets who lived in the top floor flat and used a teapot, who loved cats. Nights out would leave me feeling overwhelmed and you would usually find me in a cupboard or under a table somewhere.

I worked long hours, worked hard, smiled at customers, took long baths. Smoking, drinking, day trips, bike shop, party nights, mattress on the floor, riding my bike down Ninian Road in the cold autumn air.

Maybe you can relate to some of this or maybe your story is different. Maybe you can't identify me in the above description at all.

In just a few years time I was transformed into a single mother of two, a business owner, an abuse survivor and advocate.

I wouldn't change a thing about this journey. I honour the girl that I was. When preparing for birth we often have moments of self doubt - the girl on the bike could never have dreamed that she would birth her baby into her own arms unaided and hold space for other women to find their power.

You are all your incarnations and you are better - motherhood is the ultimate opportunity to discover what you are capable of, that you can achieve what you hardly dare to dream of.

Challenge the notion that it's about what you give up.

It's about what you become.

Coming Home To Yourself | Jenny Wren

How is this super moon feeling for everybody? 

It's the culmination of 18 years of energy. What were you doing 18 years ago? 

Without even realising I have been listening to songs that were popular when I was ten years old. I’ve been wistful, daydreaming, despondent.

I had a long conversation with a friend today about what it means to suffer, to grow, to be brave enough to let go of pain.  Yes, brave.  It seems odd to say it that way because nobody wants to suffer, we actively go out of our way to avoid suffering. But I also feel keenly how pain and fear can shape your life and cause you to become somebody you don't want to be. 

Your pain and fear can keep you living small, and not achieving your biggest goals and dreams.  I have worn many badges over the past eighteen years - many relate to victimhood. I have been proud of them in a way. But they are not me, they no longer serve me. I want to know when our pain becomes irrelevant, when the things that hurt us shape us less than the positive steps that we have taken and the changes that we have made to the world. 

I have been on a path of remembering who I was before the things that hurt me.

I am somebody with an open and loving heart who has only ever wanted connection and reciprocation. 

I am in awe and wonder at what it means to be a woman and a lifegiver. 

I believe we are sacred.

I believe in love. 

I believe I am unchanged from the little girl with the big eyes. 

The woman who birthed her baby with faith alone. 

The woman who knew there was something better. 

As my friend said - “did you birth using fear or trust? Trust is who you really are.”

Very wise.

I believe that the biggest gift I bring to my doula role is my deep sense of trust. I will never be the doula who has all the numbers or figures although I put the work in to know them. Or one who suggests many different things you can do to, seeing your body as a problem to be solved. If you want somebody to analyse or fix, I am not what you are looking for.

What I will do is stand by you in the most fundamental trust and faith as your story unfolds, a gentle smile on my face, an "all will be well" that emanates from my soul and is palpable. 

And so I wake this morning with my head foggy but my heart happy.