Motherhood And Self-Esteem

I had a picture come up on my memories yesterday of me before children. Round faced, glowing and optimistic. It's funny how then I had quite low self-esteem when looking back I can see there was nothing the matter with me. Part of me envies that girl (and her freedom! She even had a bike!)

Before my pregnancy with Autumn-Violet I had gone to my smallest ever size but still didn't feel right. The life I was living made me feel insignificant, like a drab peahen. The truth is that how we think we look is often not based in reality.

Today was a good day and I was feeling beautiful. I hadn't changed anything, maybe my hair had fallen a little better than usual. I had on a new summer top that made me feel cute. But really I was feeling so good because for the first time in my life I wasn't looking for any external validation, not reliant on anybody else for my self-esteem. My feelings came from an inner sense of achievement and conviction and that feeling showed.

I've often handed my power over to people for them to decide and to judge. I've been told I'm not special, that my nose is big, that my hair is frizzy. I've compared myself to others and found that I'm lacking. I've been made to feel inferior by those I loved. I've worried about what a man thinks of my changed body. I've cried in the mirror at the postpartum lumps and bumps.

The beautiful truth is that we are not meant to be static beings, we grow and evolve. We were never meant to go back to how we looked before - we are women in our power. We have grown and birthed humans. We are creators. We are magic makers. Take action instead of allowing things to happen to you. I am seriously done with being a victim. Buy the dress, change your hair, do that course. Rise to the challenge. Lose the toxic people in your life who bring you down. The rest will follow.

Today was a good day and the sun was shining and my babies were smiling and they saw me as beautiful and I did too.

Babywearing On A Budget

My passion is making sure babywearing is affordable and accessible for all - sure I love having a try and a feel of high end wraps (fabric geek here) but that's not realistic for everybody.

This Little Frog you can get new or second-hand for under £50 and you know what? It's so comfy and easy to wrap with!

This base size 6 covers all my wrapping needs so you can invest in one and it will last you through your babywearing days at a fantastic cost per use. Invest in your babywearing education, either at a slingmeet or private appointment and wrapping will become second nature.

Remember when you buy new to wash first and then play around with it - make hammocks, play tug of war, sleep with it and you'll end up with a soft wrap that feels like an old pair of jeans.

Beauty And Pain

I went to Porthkerry beach today. I have felt its pull for a while now, a longing to be close to the rocky shoreline and the vast, wild ocean. I wanted to find some peace.

It also happens to be the place a made a huge mistake two years ago… a day where my intuition spoke to me and told me to walk away from something that was wrong for me, something that would irrevocably damage me and take my innocence. I noticed the friction between my child and somebody I had invited into our lives. I noticed how I was deliberately hurt and expected to compromise on my values and what I knew I deserved.

I had no idea what was coming.

One of the hardest things as a parent is when you make the wrong choice. When you see the havoc and hurt that choice wreaks on your child’s life. The problem with choice is we can never know what the right one was until it’s too late.

I don’t know who we would have been if I’d chosen differently.

We sat on the rocks at Porthkerry, Autumn-Violet a reassuring warm dumpling in my lap, Judah hurling rocks and shouting to the wind. I have to admit that I can't still wish things had been different, because they have shown me who I am.

Would I have gained the strength I needed for my role any other way? The fire that’s ignited in me has been revelationary.

Would I have tumbled from bad situation to bad situation? There’s nothing like meeting true darkness to strip away all your preconceptions and illusions.

Would I have always longed for another child? Her birth taught me the ultimate lesson in faith in women.

Would I have valued the humdrum day to day motherhood experience? Possibly not, just being safe and together jumped to the list of my top priorities when I never knew it was one before. It is enough, it is more than enough.

Forgive yourself for all that you didn't know before, and find beauty in the pain.

Beauty is in the sparkle in my daughter’s eyes and her earthy giggle. I feel beautiful when she is nursing and she winds her fingers in my hair.

Beauty is my son's crackling energy and his untamed soul.

I was beautiful when my belly was painted with henna when she was growing in me. I find beauty in the wild coast of Wales, my home, the rugged rocks and the beating sea which is never still.

Beauty is the true friendships I have with other women, the collective power rising. Beauty is in the letting go of what is no longer serving me and moving forward in strength.