The Surprising Lonely Thing About Single Parenting

When we talk about single parenting I know that the assumption is that single parents are lonely. And often that is true. The hardest part can be the weekends, when your mum friends are spending time with their partners on family days out so you’re stuck on your own. Or holidays like Easter and Valentine’s.

I am not blind to the reality of relationships, though, please don’t think I’m staring wistfully off into the distance thinking that you’re all experiencing perfection, I know that’s far from the truth. And I also knew that this would be the case - I was prepared for it.

One of the unexpected lonely parts of single parenting is that there is nobody to share the cute. Nobody to share the excitement.

What do I mean?

The two children hugging in the bath. Judah talking about how he’s giving her a “huggy hug” and I just melt and I want to turn to somebody and say – isn’t that the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen?

I want somebody to tell Judah’s jokes to when they get home, but there’s just me laughing to myself.

Autumn-Violet was being so cute today refusing to go to sleep and practising her rolling skills and my heart felt like it was going to overflow and I just felt like my love was too big for just me to contain.

I took a photo of the children in the bath and it was so beautiful and I knew I couldn’t share it on social media so I sent it to a friend – “will you be my kids’ dad and appreciate this with me?”

And of course she did, because she’s a diamond.

Maybe I overshare on social media, that’s true – but sometimes I just need somebody to catch the overflow of my love for these fascinating, beautiful beings.

Dads And Doulas - The Perfect Team

Hi expectant dad,

I bet when your pregnant partner expressed she wanted a doula, your initial thoughts were why?

What’s wrong with just a midwife?

Is she saying I am not enough?

What if this woman takes over the birth experience and I feel useless?

I love working with dads. I often say I have the best feedback from fathers who were initially perhaps resistant or dubious.

I could talk to you about the evidence for doulas all day, how we reduce intervention rates, increase maternal satisfaction and breastfeeding success. But I want to explain to you what it LOOKS like when we work together.

Antenatally…

You can express your thoughts and concerns to me, I have no agenda, I just want what you want.

I can give you tools to navigate your choices within the healthcare system with confidence.

I can teach you the knowledge of calming and physically supporting your partner.

I can explain the way that birth works in ways that you understand.

During labour…

In the mad rush if you’re having a hospital birth, you don’t have to worry about your partner being left alone while you park the car or get the bags. I’ve got your back.

At a home birth, we can divide our roles beautifully as you perhaps fill a pool and I give soothing encouragement to your partner (or the other way around, it doesn’t matter)

I can fetch you drinks and remind you to use the toilet or go for meal breaks, because I know more than anybody how hard it is to be a birth partner.

We complement each other, you her intimate partner who she loves more than anybody and I with my birth wisdom, together we facilitate the hormones that release.

That familiar presence – I know you and your family more than anybody else in the room.

I will be your silent support as you advocate for your partner, my presence filling you with confidence that there is somebody on “your side”.

How to explain the sacred triangle of protection that occurs around a woman when we divide our attention to where it’s needed? The energy is palpable.

You use your strength for counter pressure and I my calming voice in your partner’s ear – or the other way around – again, it doesn’t matter…

I can reassure you everything is happening just as it should.

You can support your baby coming into the world with joy and confidence.

And if things don’t go exactly to plan you will feel reassured just knowing that I’m there for you both.

There is somebody to capture those beautiful first moments for you and holding that space so that you have nothing else to worry about that just getting to know your new baby.

Days after the birth, when perhaps you are unsure of the emotional state of your partner or why she is always crying… I will support and reassure you both and remind you what is needed at this time. We can recount our shared experience and the wonder that was your baby’s birth.

Together we make the perfect team.

I Like Babies, But I Prefer Mothers

When people find out what you do for a living, as a doula, they tend to assume that you really love babies.

And it’s reassuring that in the future I’ll be able to have baby cuddles, especially as I might not have any more of my own.

But I didn’t get into this work because I love babies, it’s because I love women. I realised the other day I have *one* photo of me holding a baby because it doesn’t even occur to me to ask to hold them.

They are beautiful. They are a miracle.

But the mother?

She is a goddess. A warrior.

Attending a birth is like falling in love. You become entirely focussed on this one person, to the point that nothing else matters. Time becomes blurry. You learn to anticipate what they need, sense changes in their body language, it’s an intricate dance going on between the mother, her baby and her birth supporters.

Once I heard a consultant say that she was there for the baby, to the point that she was overriding the parent’s wishes. It still astounds me that a professional genuinely believes she cares about a baby’s safety more than the parents.

And it made me realise that I didn’t feel that way at all. In that moment my heart was breaking for the mother.

I am not there for the babies. That’s not what called me to this work. I am there for the mother. I believe that her role is to stay in tune with her baby and her body and tell you what she needs. If you just stop to listen she will tell you all that you need to know.

I adore the babies and I will be crying alongside you as you welcome yours into the world. My doula babies still bring tears to my eyes today.

Because they were birthed by you - through your strength and beauty and determination, your courage and perseverance. The way you surrender yourself to the process and look around you in childlike wonder. The way you just know.

The way in your postpartum vulnerability, you glow.

You are my favourite.