I Will Be Grateful For This Day

Life has been tricky lately as I've been wrestling with the idea of what things should look like versus the actual situation.. I've been scrabbling to make any kind of coherent plan, desperate to find some order in my increasingly fragmented life.

My friend Emma Burns posts a lot on her reflexology page about taking time for self-care and I always find it a useful reminder. I had a few hours free this morning which only happens to me every six weeks so I took myself for breakfast.

I was filled with an immense sense of gratitude and realised that actually, I was doing okay. It's human nature to be always wanting, but so far I've been given the things I so fervently asked for. It just took some time.

I still remember the days...

I longed for a baby.

I wanted to be surrounded by children to love.

Finances spiralling desperately out of control, dependent on somebody else, I prayed for it to stop, for some control.

Driving home with Judah and dreading opening the door, praying there was some way I never had to go back.

Telling the universe if it gave me a tangible reason, one I could justify to myself, I would leave my ex.

Fighting for autonomy, I prayed to be my own boss, not having to answer to anybody.

I promised myself I would become a babywearing consultant and doula.

Sitting having tea with my auntie and describing what I wanted, somebody a bit wild, unusual, who would love me unreservedly and connect with me on the deepest level imaginable. 

All these things are prayers I made within the last five years that were answered. 

Although I don't strictly believe in cosmic ordering (although I do tell Dom I cosmically ordered him...) I do believe in visualisation and picturing what you would like your future to be. In this way we influence our subconscious mind which can affect decision making, meaning you'll make choices that bring you further to your goals. 

Things are by no means perfect but I was comforted by how far I have come and how much I longed for the very things I have now. I will remind myself to be grateful for the things I have been given and what is just around the corner. I have every reason to be happy.  I will be grateful for this day.

 

Meat-free Monday: Sweet Potato Pie

I've seen so many people on social media lately going vegetarian/vegan or at the least trying to reduce the animal products in their diet. I thought I'd occasionally share the vegan recipes I make on a regular basis that are tasty, filling and cheap!

This is what the Horrigan/Bochocki/Spens folk will be eating later today....

What you need:

3 x medium sweet potatoes
1 x courgette
1 x butternut squash (use about a third of the squash for this)
3 x carrots
1/2 tub mushrooms
1 x onion
2 x clove garlic
1 tin kidney beans
1 tinned tomatoes
veggie stock
marmite
cheese of choice (I use Tesco Dairy-free strong soya)

Really you can put whatever vegetables you want in.

First things first...

Put the sweet potatoes in boiling water and leave them on to boil until soft.

In the meantime, peel and chop all your garlic/onions/vegetables and fry them in oil of choice. Then add your tinned tomatoes. Keep stirring and then add your vegetable stock (I usually use 3 cubes/spoonfuls but it's up to you). I then add about a teaspoon of marmite to really give it flavour. Drain the water from the kidney beans and put them in the pot with the vegetables. Simmer it to let the vegetables soften.

In the meantime, take your cheese of choice (soya to make this recipe completely vegan, dairy cheese for just vegetarian) and grate a few handfuls. When the sweet potatoes are soft all the way through you can drain them and peel them. Put the peeled sweet potatoes in a dish with the grated cheese and whisk them together until you have a soft, fluffy mash.

Put the pie filling in an ovenproof bowl and smooth the top flat. Then use a spoon to cover it completely with the sweet potato mash. Pop in the oven for about 30 minutes (as the mash starts to go a little bit brown on top) and you're done!

This pie is delicious and perfect for winter, you can have it with garlic bread too (Tesco value one is vegan!)

This Is How It Feels

This is how it feels
Dread creeping up your throat
Tendrils weaving their way
Into your head
Rendering you immobile. 

Panicked, 
Yet you float
Unencumbered, above your body. 
As he rages. 
At the universe, you, 
Everything. 
Is that your heart beating? 
You cannot tell. 

This is how it feels
The silence of the condemned
As your transgressions pile up. 
You were anxious, 
Eager to please, 
Once. 

Until you realised
The reckoning was always coming. 
No matter how meekly
You kissed his cheek
and prayed for forgiveness. 

This is how it feels
Skin, untouched. 
Aching for the reciprocal tenderness
That you once glowed with. 
Angel girl
Basking in love. 

Then mouth grew stern
Face turned away from yours
And your pleading turned pitiful
Until altogether you
Stopped.