I have reached the stage in my healing where I see the humanity of my abuser.
I forgive him for what he did to me and I see the broken man he projected as a seduction method had its place in truth. I recognise the splitting, the black and white thinking as imperative for protecting myself while I processed the enormity of what had happened. This black and white thinking does not ultimately serve me.
I have reached the stage in my healing where I want to surrender my hard outer shell that I crafted so carefully to protect me. Every time I told myself I was heartless, without feeling, wanting nothing. I see now that this was essential for keeping myself in tact but is no longer necessary.
I recognise that the feelings I have been avoided experiencing present themselves in the voice of a man who tells me I am boring, unattractive, undesirable and who brutalised my heart and body in an performance of perverse desecration. I see now that I need to feel it to heal it, to sit with shame and unworthiness and shine a light in my own darkness.
I have reached the stage in my healing where I admire, respect and trust the men in my life and invite them into my space gladly. I see now I want nothing to do with "men are trash", although this mindset was necessary for my recovery.
I have reached the stage in my healing where I see the toxic leaps my brain makes when my ego feels threatened and I give myself permission to slow down and hold myself in compassion. I see that I will do anything to protect myself and feel safe again, which has been a necessary part of my healing.
I have reached the stage in my healing where I don't want to talk about my trauma, but the aftershocks ripple through my life in ways I am still discovering. I see myself reflected in other women and am always humbled by the collective pain and sorrow.
I have reached the stage in my healing where I am releasing the cage around my mind and allowing myself to expand into love. I see now that rigidity and control helps nobody in the end, although these fierce constructs were necessary to create a container for a woman who felt like she would fall apart.
To all women
In all stages of healing
I see you
I hear you
I accept you
I love you
