Feast Day of Mary Magdalene

It's the Feast Day of Mary Magdalene today.

I thought about the energy of this day and how I could honour it. How I could bring a sense of sensualness and magic. I went to bed last night with a trauma migraine, wrestling with the concepts of freedom, resignation, power, choice and autonomy. I have no doubt I chose this path as my soul's journey but it would be nice to have a break from being the one who says no to everything.

Not me. Not my children.

How I haven't spoken up on things that are important to me lately because I am scared of losing friends and clients. How I have this intrusive vision in my head of my life in ashes and it was all my fault. The fear of being burned. My friend Sam said wisely that when you're used to starting your life over from scratch it is a very real fear. It happens.

More recently, the repeated message I have been receiving that the energy I give off is intimidating. And yet I'm so kind and calm. This paradox of power is to me the essence of the patriarchal fear of women, who are all things.

The institutions in place designed to keep women small, creating the illusion that they have any control over the givers of life.

I have been bullied and silenced by institutions and my fellow women.

Mary Magdalene, the harlot. Knowing that the word "harlot" actually means "womb of light" in ancient Hebrew.

This passage has been in my head for the past week, about the fear of female power and divinity, and the devouring Goddess who gives life.

''For I am the first and the last
The honored and the scorned,
The harlot and the holy one,
The wife and the virgin,
The mother and the daughter,
And I am the members of my own motherhood.
I am the incomprehensible silence and
the often-remembered thought,
I am the voice of many sounds and
the expression of many designs.
I am the utterance of my own name.
For I am the Sophia of the Greeks
And the Gnosis of the barbarians.
The one who has been hated everywhere,
and loved everywhere.
I am godless and I am she whose godhood is multiple.
I am the one whom you have considered and
whom you have scorned.
I am unlearned, and it is from me that you learn.
I am the gnosis of my seeking,
and the finding of those who seek after me.''

-Thunder, Perfect Mind

My affirmations of today in honour of the original harlot

"I claim my right to be all things"

"I do not acknowledge any external authority over my womanly sovereignty"

"I relinquish any contracts I may have made in this life or another to stay small and safe"

Motherhood Dismantling

Motherhood is a dismantling.

When you face comments and criticism for your birth choices - this is preparing you for defending your child against the world. For trusting your intuition and your wisdom.

For saying actually, you know best. From the beginning.

Are you the highest authority over your body and baby?

Will you make that known from the start?

Will you teach that to your children?

When you feel like the baby will never come, again you are asking to surrender, to let go of control.

When you hand it over to your child's timeline, passing along trust and acceptance of the unknown.

When you mother that tiny baby and face again the questions and the comments, how has your preparation led you to manage this moment?

Will you take that deep self-love and acceptance of yourself and gift that to your child?

Knowing that openly living your values is threatening to others.

Soon you will realise you are being taken apart, piece by piece, and rebuilt as the mother you were born to be.

And each challenge will take you deeper.

The Power

My will scares even me.

I deliberately craft my reality.

Lovers, summoned.

Enemies duly banished

When you're protected

You make them vanish.

I set things in motion

Used to run from the power.

Hide from it.

It called me again

I play with fire

I play with blood.

Play with the breath and beating

Of my heart

Wake up

Gasping and alive

With the potent

Possibility

Of this life.