A "Doula" or a "be-la"? | Jenny Wren

I've been thinking lately about my approach to doulaing and how it coincides with the article about Megan Markle where doulas were called a professional "hand-holder".

Some people wrote about how we are much more than that, and the amazing benefits that we bring to birth. All these benefits are evidence-based and reported by mothers. It struck me how we often feel the need to justify our worth in this way.

Just hand-holding is enough.

Still amongst doulas there is huge variation to how we work, and I've noticed more and more in the birth world that people seem to want to be seen to be doing and fixing what I would consider to be normal situations.

The specifics I won't go into here as it's not my place to tell others how to work or what skills to use with their clients. I am not even saying one way is right and one way is wrong. But for me, personally, I see so much that mirrors our medical colleagues, in that an intervention is performed in the hopes of achieving a favourable outcome. The implication being that without this intervention the mother could not have birthed her baby.

All this comes from a deep desire to help but also, I believe, from a discomfort with being "just" a doula or 'hand-holder'.

When did we go from being with women to doing things to them?

When a mother comes to us with a concern or a problem, when did we decide to fix it for her instead of filling her with confidence and self belief?

To me, I am a space holder. I am the ear on the end of the phone as she talks through a difficult decision. The one who listens to her hopes and fears and affirms I believe in her and what she is doing. Often it's a reassurance that everything is normal, is simply a variation. Your baby isn't in position at 28 weeks, your body is designed to birth, 41 weeks is a perfectly normal gestation. Taking our modern cultural narrative of birth and redirecting it to the timeless truths and peace and calm.

I am not a mini midwife, albeit using more palatable interventions to achieve outcomes.

In my own work I often really think about the message we are sending women when we have a million tricks up our sleeves.

I don't take anything to a birth because my presence is enough for all those positive associations doulas have.

To all new doulas - you are enough. Just being is enough. And if you really and truly believe this, you are showing your client you believe that she is enough too.

The Higher World | Jenny Wren

When we were in the higher world

Two souls who had traversed many lifetimes together

We met one day as we were preparing for another adventure--

You looked me earnestly in the eye and told me you wanted to learn about unconditional love.

I smiled as I had been thinking the same thing. We could always read each other's desires.

We made a deal to meet out there, two humans with pain and so much to learn.

An opportunity to grow.

You hurt me, I didn't fight back, the love and the darkness grew and grew like twin forces struggling for dominance. Who would be stronger, which one would win?

Love and hurt and shame forced from my psyche, making me confront years of suffering I had pushed to the side.

Forced out in me a fierce protector that I never knew existed.

Sacrifice. Darkness.

Then, unexpectedly, light.

I don't know how the story ends yet.

My mirror, my twin, the unstoppable force meeting the immovable object.

Our futures entwined.

And we'll meet back there.

In the higher world.

When our work for this lifetime is done.

You'll say, that was a trip!

What shall we do when we go around again?

Memories | Jenny Wren

Memories come back to me of who I was before I was a mother.

I remarked to a friend recently - all I have left for myself is my body. And even that I have to share.

I was the girl with the ringlets who lived in the top floor flat and used a teapot, who loved cats. Nights out would leave me feeling overwhelmed and you would usually find me in a cupboard or under a table somewhere.

I worked long hours, worked hard, smiled at customers, took long baths. Smoking, drinking, day trips, bike shop, party nights, mattress on the floor, riding my bike down Ninian Road in the cold autumn air.

Maybe you can relate to some of this or maybe your story is different. Maybe you can't identify me in the above description at all.

In just a few years time I was transformed into a single mother of two, a business owner, an abuse survivor and advocate.

I wouldn't change a thing about this journey. I honour the girl that I was. When preparing for birth we often have moments of self doubt - the girl on the bike could never have dreamed that she would birth her baby into her own arms unaided and hold space for other women to find their power.

You are all your incarnations and you are better - motherhood is the ultimate opportunity to discover what you are capable of, that you can achieve what you hardly dare to dream of.

Challenge the notion that it's about what you give up.

It's about what you become.