The Motherhood Pause

It starts when I don’t get my period. Like a boat on a tumultuous sea, the waves now settle, and my little boat now tethered, bobs dreamily in a gentle breeze. A blessed reprieve.

I am calmer, more introspective. I contemplate more, think before I speak, watching my body expand.

With no cycles to mark the time, no ebb and flow, I see the days stretch before me in a line as I keep dreaming and growing.

I feel beautiful.

Then the placenta is birthed and my friend prolactin arrives, and now I am ruled by the anticipation of a baby’s cry.

Oxytocin, the hormone that washes you in peace so that the little one may feed.

I gaze into eyes that hold more magic than the stars.

With babe carried on my chest, I pass unseen amongst men.

That too, a reprieve of sorts.

And all this to last, until my baby moves forward, they stumble and crawl.

Only then will I feel the elements in my womb begin to stir again. And I move into my next incarnation.

Farewell to the motherhood pause.

My Son

My son, my son, my son. Entered the world into water and sank. Held in my new mama arms as I begged him not to cry. Sleepy baby. After that first parting after birth I never let him go again. Spent two years of his life strapped to my body in one way or another, then found his legs, learned to run.

My son. The boy who faces demons and comes out still fighting. That spirit unwavering in the face of darkness. The magnificent will. Those clenched fists and the tilt of his chin and his sheer determination and then oh... the softening. The cuddling. The sweetness and structure and beloved habits. The fading orange kitty clutched to his chest.

Until he goes running off again.

Motherhood And Self-Esteem

I had a picture come up on my memories yesterday of me before children. Round faced, glowing and optimistic. It's funny how then I had quite low self-esteem when looking back I can see there was nothing the matter with me. Part of me envies that girl (and her freedom! She even had a bike!)

Before my pregnancy with Autumn-Violet I had gone to my smallest ever size but still didn't feel right. The life I was living made me feel insignificant, like a drab peahen. The truth is that how we think we look is often not based in reality.

Today was a good day and I was feeling beautiful. I hadn't changed anything, maybe my hair had fallen a little better than usual. I had on a new summer top that made me feel cute. But really I was feeling so good because for the first time in my life I wasn't looking for any external validation, not reliant on anybody else for my self-esteem. My feelings came from an inner sense of achievement and conviction and that feeling showed.

I've often handed my power over to people for them to decide and to judge. I've been told I'm not special, that my nose is big, that my hair is frizzy. I've compared myself to others and found that I'm lacking. I've been made to feel inferior by those I loved. I've worried about what a man thinks of my changed body. I've cried in the mirror at the postpartum lumps and bumps.

The beautiful truth is that we are not meant to be static beings, we grow and evolve. We were never meant to go back to how we looked before - we are women in our power. We have grown and birthed humans. We are creators. We are magic makers. Take action instead of allowing things to happen to you. I am seriously done with being a victim. Buy the dress, change your hair, do that course. Rise to the challenge. Lose the toxic people in your life who bring you down. The rest will follow.

Today was a good day and the sun was shining and my babies were smiling and they saw me as beautiful and I did too.