Bola Ball for Pregnancy and Postpartum

I recently treated myself to something called a 'Bola Ball'... I first heard of them years ago from a friend, but had forgotten until recently.

A bola ball (or harmony ball), from Bali and Indonesia, is a silver chime worn by the mother during her pregnancy. The chain hangs very low, just around or below the belly button. The chimes are very delicate and gentle, providing a calming sound to her unborn baby as the mother goes about her day. One the baby is born the mother shortens the chain, to allow her baby to play with the necklace as it feeds or simply make the transition from the womb to the outside world as gentle and familiar as possible. It is said in Mayan culture that the chime protects the mother, and then the baby too after birth by 'calling the angels' to it. Mothers have also said the chimes remind them of their unborn baby as they go about their busy day.

It has been known for some time that babies can hear in the womb. In our Daisy Baby class we explore the benefits of white noise - for a newborn, going from the constant soothing sounds within your body to the outside world can be stressful. White noise can be used to calm and soothe them, from the mother's gentle 'shh shh' to white noise apps on the phone that play the sound of rain or waves on the beach.

Babies can also recognise music they heard in the womb - there was a study done in the 1980s that showed a mother who frequently watched a soap opera had a baby who responded to the theme tune once born. More recent studies such as this one and this one give compelling evidence to prove that babies can distinguish between sounds and remember them, measured by monitoring the baby's brain activity. Babies do actually remember sounds from the third trimester of pregnancy and those same sounds can calm them after birth too. This has led people to recommend both parents talking directly to their baby before they are born, as well as exposing them to stories and songs as all these things can be beneficial after birth.

Although some might say the tinkling of the chimes is possibly too gentle, it's a lovely experiment and one that can't hurt. A newborn at the breast may be reassured by the familiar sound of the chimes, and it would be a lovely gift for a mother-to-be.

Mothering the Mother Within

When I first announced my pregnancy, I had a message from a client and friend where she said 'But who is going to "Daisy" you?'

While it's true that in terms of birth preparation there is very little that I need from another person, there is still that desire for support and care during my pregnancy. When I did my doula training we discussed the different 'hats' that we all wear. My concern was how I was going to combine newly single-motherhood, teaching, consulting AND doulaing, exchanging these different hats many different times in a day.

I am busier than ever and I yet I am finding my attention drawn further and further inwards, as all pregnant women do, retreating from the other concerns and winding the processes down. Unlike with my first pregnancy, I am dreading going on maternity leave and taking a break from this job I love so much. This time, the only thing I wanted more than another child was to do my job. A baby I wanted in my heart and yet at the time wasn't quite ready for. 

I have been guilty of neglecting the mother role in my life. It is hard to be self-employed with a child who is not yet in full time school. Yet it has been exactly a year since I stopped breastfeeding and bed-sharing, my son is never carried in the sling and sometimes is now away seeing his father. It feels like this role has been on the backburner even as I frequent soft plays and answer work emails on my phone, or chat to Google analytics as my son falls asleep next to me on the sofa. I find it harder and harder to relate to mothers of newborns. Judah has been accepted to the local primary to start from September, then full time from January.

It feels right. I have spent my time this pregnancy doing the things I never got to, or thought to do, with Judah. Taking weekly pictures, announcement photos, finding birth music, planning a mother blessing. I've treated myself to two new carriers in anticipation. I think once you have had one pregnancy you know how precious and fleeting it is - I feel like I want this one to last forever. We don't know how often we'll get to experience it.

How to transition from mothering other mothers to focusing on yourself? I thought I was prepared when pregnant with Judah but really only now do I feel fully informed. I am not the same person who prepared nothing for her home birth and didn't have a birth plan, believing instead in blind optimism and positive thinking. Do I have a stronger belief in my body's ability to birth now? Perhaps, as this belief has been affirmed by Judah's birth. But I am also far more aware of the various emergencies in birth that do not discriminate between women. I am aware of coerced consent and the various bullying behaviours that can occur at a birth.

I am having a doula for this birth. I could talk about oxytocin and endorphin and the proven benefits of doulas, but why I really want a doula is because birth work is tiring. I want some of that mothering for myself. I want somebody who is just there for me, with no agenda, who I respect and admire as a colleague and a friend. I want this transition into motherhood again to be as gentle and empowering as I know that it can be. I want to share the burden of birth support that has landed on my partner with somebody else, to allow us to relax and enjoy our child entering the world. Before I begin again with breastfeeding, bed-sharing, babywearing, nappy changes, weaning, first words, first steps and immerse myself in motherhood once more. It will be a shock to me to find myself back there.

This is my gift to myself, the mothering of my own mother. Taking time, reflecting, and asking for the essential help that so many consider a luxury, but I know is priceless.

YES, you need to obtain informed consent!

Informed choice is the big catchphrase in the birth world. All birth workers claim to uphold informed choice and decision making. How lovely that people are finally giving the agency back to women, right?

It would be nice to think that we do have choice, but as it stands we don't. How many of our choices are taken from us before we have even begun? When you attend your antenatal appointments and are designated midwife-led or consultant-led, more often than not that dictates your place of birth. How many second time mums know that statistically the evidence says if they want to avoid intervention they should birth at home and far away from an obstetrical unit?

Even worse if you go overdue, have a prior caesarean section, carry multiples, have premature rupture of membranes, are older, or with a raised BMI. You can expect to have your choices whittled away into something considered acceptable by somebody else. To be told that you HAVE to do things a certain way. Bullying phone calls and letters through the door demanding you relinquish your right to choose.

Then maybe you arrive at the hospital in labour and have your choices completely disregarded. Perhaps you get sidelined into something you didn't want by emotive language, emotional blackmail, even tricks. Consent not clearly obtained to do procedures on you, the need for a solid yes or no hidden by ramblings about obscure risks and guidelines. How many women have been assaulted by a medical professional, be it via a vaginal examination, monitoring device or drug administration as true consent was never properly obtained?

Let me be clear on what consent is.

Consent is not... I'm just going to do this now.

Consent is not... You need to listen to ME now as the medical professional.

Consent is not... You can't do this without this pain relief.

Consent is not... You are at risk and your baby WILL die.

All of these things have either been said in my presence or witnessed by colleagues.

Consent is... Do I have your permission to do this?

Consent is... You have options. These are the percentage risk factors involved. What would YOU like to do?

Consent is... I am suggesting we do this. These are the benefits and the risks. These are the alternatives. Yes or no? What would YOU like to do?

I would really like to know... what is so threatening about a woman exercising her right to choose? Is it so inconceivable that she is capable of making her own decisions? Why do you think just because she is not doing what YOU want then she clearly must be under the influence of somebody else? Yes, record that she is declining whatever if it makes you feel better and protects you professionally, but don't force her to say it to you ten times before you'll actually stop harassing and scaring her.

Until women are seen as people and not just a set of risk factors we will not see any change. I am exhausted by this whole thing. Every day women are bullied, coerced and demeaned into things they do not want by those who claim to be protecting them and their baby. Let us be completely clear - nobody in that birth room cares more about that baby than the mother. She is the one who will live with her birth experience for the rest of her life. So many women telling their stories are angry, and rightly so. They felt that their rights were taken away and they were coerced in their most vulnerable moments. 

Informed choice, informed consent, they're great phrases to bandy around but I'm beginning to believe they are worthless.