Never Again - To My Daughter

When you have a daughter, your perspective changes.

Just eight weeks old with her in tow.

Half her life already without a home. Except that which she found within me. She's sitting up now, gurgling and blowing raspberries, my parma violet, my delicious baby and I want to say -

You are so sacred to me.

How little love I showed for this precious body of mine. The one that birthed yours, that provided sacred passage. I felt your head move down in my centre and you told me you were coming. The first true knowing I felt there. The power of it.

In my life, hands have pawed at me, and I in my hunger for love often mistook it for reverence. I learned early to dissociate at the first sign of revulsion or rage. Staring blankly radio static hovering above myself. Dancing pictures in my head of past tenderness to override... Rebrainwashed. Instrumental in my own downfall. Pouring my love into empty caverns where monsters lurked in the darkness.

Photographs from your cherished growing time, like a woman in a glass cage, begging to be seen. The anger, the invasion, the womb-deep ache and the betrayal of my inner self, that essence of me. That precious spark they could not find nor capture. Without my bonds I breathe in, send my roots down.

There will be those in your life who will want you, want you like a butterfly to pin to a board. Those hands that gently lure and entice you to follow. You cannot be blamed for dancing along with your open, loving heart. But I promise to you, never again will that be me. I want to radiate to you wholeness. A woman I hope you come to know once told me, what was promised to her by others she found within... You want to be rescued, yet how swiftly that rescue became ransom.

I cannot tell you what to look for, but I can show you how it looks to be alone. To stand in your power and feel within your belly all that you are. Only yourself to validate your worthiness, your beauty and your strength. Every touch on your skin that which is honest and true and welcome.

And when you are older, you may gently tease; mama sees wolves where there are only sheep. I wish I could gift you my knowing, because only now do I truly see. And it's too much to hope that hurt won't shape you, like it has shaped me. And really would I wish for life to touch you only lightly? For that is where the learning takes place.

Just please know that this woman has been brought so low she couldn't breathe. If I had a wish for you it would be - to realise you are complete with all that you are.

And I will show you, starting today.

My Naked Face

I thought I'd write a bit about my thoughts as it came up in class last night. This is my reasoning for no longer choosing to wear makeup. The transition was slow and quite unlike me - these thoughts triggered by the day I gave birth. I remember refusing to take my eyeliner and mascara off when I was in labour and as I submerged myself lower and lower into the birth pool, it ran in streaks around my face. Such a strange concern for somebody as they're expecting their first baby. But a common one.

Contrary to what people might assume, I don't go without makeup because I don't have time. Each morning I linger over my cup of tea and toast while Judah watches cartoons. I am a busy mother, but I work part time and can grab these snatches of time to do what makes me happy. It's just that cosmetics are no longer part of what makes me happy.

Growing up I genuinely believed wearing makeup was something that women just did. It was a mark of respect to yourself, taking pride in your appearance before all else. I remember painstakingly applying eyeliner and not achieving the affect I thought it would create (Avril Lavigne). Truthfully at age 13 my face looked even younger and it looked incongruous on my youthful face. Really I find it quite worrying that I felt the need to adopt this adult women's rite of passage at only 13. The sexualisation of young girls is something that is unmissable in our culture, you can even buy cosmetics for children. Just a bit of fun, is it? Actually if we look at the functions of make up, it isn't. We use blusher and lipstick to imitate the redness of sexual arousal in a woman's face. We use mascara to make eyes appear wide, youthful and appealing. The juxtaposition of youth and sex. These are the products we are giving to young girls.

When I worked in Starbucks, I used make up to create a mask. This job involved giving so much of myself physically and emotionally to strangers for long hours every day. Make up was a front between me and the customers, an impenetrable layer. It was my way of saying I took my job seriously and that I was a professional. Although physically I can work very hard, my mind was bored and I enjoyed this play acting in lieu of any mental stimulation. I enjoyed the admiration I would get. 

When I stayed over boyfriends' house I would always be scared of the moment I had to remove my make up or they would see me without it in the morning. I felt that maybe I had presented myself differently, that they would feel cheated. They'd bought a vision that was not based in reality and they would despise me for it. They would love me less. The compliments were never for me, but for the cosmetics. That was how poor my self esteem was.
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Women who didn't follow suit were the object of scorn. How can somebody let themselves go like that? In a world of made up faces she who does not follow suit is a stark contrast. When I would wear perhaps less of it, the questions such as 'are you ill?' 'are you tired?' would reinforce my idea that this was essential. By foregoing it I was penalising myself merely by the comparison with other women. It was completely integral to my self image and I spent so much money on different products trying to achieve a better, more perfect me. Never mind that in the summer it would sweat off my face, when my pores were clogged it would bobble around my nose, when I kissed my boyfriend he would get mascara smears on his eyes. When I blew my nose the tissue was orange. I was unable to even rub my eyes. This was choice.

When my son was born I will always remember the moment I decided my postpartum rest was over. I was mortified that my visitors had seen me with my naked face, and on day 3 as my husband and baby slept in bed I reapplied my make up, reassured to see that familiar self looking back at me in the mirror. I now felt confident to face the world. I refused to be a plain mother. I wanted to show the world I still valued myself as an attractive woman. I would not give up.

I slowly did. Not for any one reason. It began with my distaste at kissing my newborn son and leaving traces of lipstick. Wanting to nuzzle his face but not wanting to leave foundation smears on his perfect head. As I got more acquainted with my inner self, my intuitive mothering, I found that cosmetics obscured the face underneath. That was slowly maturing and now bore up quite well under decoration but was strong enough to stand on its own. 

Then came the long, wonderful summer where I couldn't bear the stickiness on my face. The longing to just splash my face with water or get caught in the warm rain without needing to do a complete rehaul of my appearance. I got so tanned that summer that I began to fall in love with the earthy bareness that was my skin. Gradually the made-up me began to look like the stranger and I would regard my reflection with discomfort when I wore it. It wasn't even something fun and creative to indulge in, it felt necessary.

Then finally the discovery of radical feminism and the concept of choice. I am hesitant to say I am a radical feminist, because I do not align with some of the teachings. Also I am a heterosexual woman which complicates the ideology somewhat! However, the concept of free choice really intrigued me. Liberal feminism is all about a woman's right to choose how she dresses, what make up she wears, who she sleeps with. And rightly so. The concept of true choice is an interesting one - for a woman who lives her life in a patriarchal society with certain expectations, is any choice truly free? For me the overt discomfort I felt at going without make up came from somewhere. I had internalised it. I've been trying to identify the 'choices' in my life that feel compulsory and make me uncomfortable and challenging them, one by one.

So I no longer wear make up. Partly to see if I could go without it, but also because I've realised I really like my bare face. The longer I have done this the more I begin to appreciate the raw beauty of women. The thought of anything heavy sitting on my face now seems completely unappealing. The beauty of my son's bare face is the same that is reflected in me. I thought make up was something I wore to make myself feel good but as time went on it made me like myself a lot less. 

Then there's the cost, and impact on the environment. My husband and I are currently trying to run three businesses and work two jobs between us. Any spare cash I have is more likely to go on things like food, clothes or enjoyable activities. Not pots of goo that get washed down the drain or expire before I've had a chance to use them. All those little pots fuelling our consumer culture and then going to landfill. Every new product a 'miracle' product. Same formulation, different label and advertising campaign.

That said, I do appreciate the impact of a red lipstick. It just wouldn't bother me if I never got to use one again. The futility of reapplying something and washing it off is partly what has driven me to tattoos and piercings. I want to get enjoyment from something permanent. I sometimes regard a heavily made up face with disconcertment now, but that's probably how some people regard me too.

It is a choice, but it's worth being aware that our choices are made within a structure and framework for how we believe we are supposed to be. I enjoy dissecting these choices and finding a position I am comfortable with. I truly don't care how any other woman chooses to present herself. Whether make up is fun for you, a chore or integral to your self esteem. The marketing and pervasiveness of the beauty industry makes things difficult. Especially for career women who are considered 'unprofessional' if they don't present this flawless appearance. I just hope I never feel the need for it again.

 

Getting Positive for Birth

I recently had an enquiry from a lady to do Daisy classes who was wondering if it was worth coming along because she was doing Hypnobirthing as well.

The answer is a resounding YES!

When you work in birth and empowering women to make their own choices, you quickly begin to realise the amount of negativity and anxiety there is surrounding labour and birth. It begins with the horror stories, perhaps from the woman's own family (stories like, all the women in our family have had to have c-sections so you will too!) or her own birth as a baby. As the woman grows to adulthood she becomes aware of the images put forward by television and films that portray birth as a medicalised, excruciating ordeal. Her friends begin to have babies and the stories come pouring forth of things gone wrong.

Grantly Dick-Read hypothesised that pain in childbirth is caused by tensing the body in response to fear. We work a lot in Daisy classes on relaxing the body and removing the fear from your mind to make birth as comfortable as possible. Dick-Read called this the Fear Tension Pain cycle and unless we remove the fear from the mother's mind before labour begins, the tension and subsequent pain will occur. This will increase the fear again and the cycle continues. This cycle can also occur at any point during labour as changes in location or midwife causes the mother's adrenaline to rise. 

The subtle and sometimes overt brainwashing that women have been subjected to by their own families and the media have created a deep-seated fear of childbirth. If we expect something to be painful we are more likely to experience the sensation as such. Hypnobirthing works a lot with replacing some of the common words associated with birth, such as substituting surges for contractions. Language is powerful and has an effect on the body. In Daisy we talk about 'breathing to the top of the wave' and scatter gentle, positive affirmations throughout class so as mums are breathing deeply in labour their subconscious mind will remember the words associated with this breathing.

The fear many women have of childbirth is sometimes not always alleviated by the end of a course of Daisy or Hypnobirthing. It has built up over years. We need to work hard to replace all these negative perceptions and thoughts with positive ones so that when it comes to labour the mother's body will relax and ease her way instead of tensing up and making it more difficult. We are essentially reprogramming the mum's mind and rewiring her attitude to birth. Regaining that lost confidence in her body.

It's worth bearing in mind that although I love natural birth and believe given the right conditions and support the vast vast majority of women could achieve it, I know this is not a realistic view of the birth world yet. When you send women into that hospital environment, no matter how strong their convictions, there are more challenges they will be up against. As they reach their 'due date' and are pressured to induce. Going to the hospital in labour activates a primitive fight or flight response which affects labour. What else affects labour? A clinical environment, not being able to freely move. Strangers coming and going out of the room. Maybe not having the most supportive birth partner who sides with the medical team over the mum's wishes because they're frightened.

I have also met women who were fully informed about their choices in birth who tell me their considered choice to have the epidural was the best part their labour, the one thing that enabled them to vaginally birth, to relax and welcome their babies with anticipation and joy. Their eyes lighting up as they recount that proud moment when they met their baby after all that effort. How wonderful that this choice was made with complete awareness and control. It is so important to be aware of these choices before labour so you are informed. Whether this is from your own research, classes or a supportive medical team that give evidence-based advice instead of fearmongering. 

A positive birth does NOT mean a natural birth. The term natural birth covers all kinds of ill-advised scenarios, mums on their back being shouted at to push, being given an episiotomy. Perhaps they weren't coping and their pain relief requests were refused. One mother had been told she had been given the pethidine she asked for only to be told after the birth that the midwife had lied, hoping for a placebo effect. This all instils a huge lack of trust between women and care providers.

The Positive Birth Movement defines positive birth as: "a birth in which a woman feels she has freedom of choice, access to accurate information, and that she is in control, powerful and respected. A birth that she approaches, perhaps with some trepidation, but without fear or dread, and that she then goes on to enjoy, and later remember with warmth and pride. "

I believe in informing women and the incredible power of reprogramming the mind, breathing and relaxation. When mums are approaching birth and come to their first class, the realisation that you are sending them to birth with what is essentially words and thoughts can make them incredulous. Do you remember Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets when Dumbledore sends Harry the Sorting Hat to defend himself against the Basilisk?  Voldemort laughs at Harry that he has been sent something so useless. However, we soon find out that within the hat lies the Sword of Gryffindor. Something that seems innocuous actually has incredible power when we find ourselves in the situation of need. By the end of the Daisy term they are aware, in tune with their body, able to breathe and relax and have a bank of positive images and words in their subconscious mind. Now with the knowledge and ability to stick up for themselves and their birth and knowing what helps or hinders their progress.

When you are in labour, deeply connected to your body and your baby, undisturbed and in control, you are powerful. Gentle swaying with the rising of your contractions, using your breath to breathe to the top of the wave. Every wave bringing you closer to your baby. Feeling at one with nature and your innermost self. Doing what countless women have done before you to bring your baby into the world. This can be the experience.

While we may never know where our birth journey will take us, it is impossible to have too much positivity surrounding your birth. It will all build up in your system, flowing through you slowly and surely. When you begin to think positively, your actions will shape your beliefs. You will unconsciously begin to make decisions and choices that will fulfil your belief. We cannot say with absolute certainty how things will be but with the power of knowledge and the ability to relax your body you can make choices with a clear head and from a place of awareness instead of fear.

Whatever helps you to absorb this positivity - reading birth affirmations, positive birth stories, meditation, talking with other women on your local positive birth group, getting a doula, attending Daisy classes, hypnobirthing, it will all add up and be immeasurably helpful on your birthing day.