Dolls lined up, all in a row.
Fairy girl, bright hair, wasn’t to know.
Told I was a flirt with my big eyes and lashes.
Two years old.
When I got older, my imagination burst.
Animals and princesses as I turned and turned.
Heart hungry, heart shy.
Pinning my hopes on those boys that I liked.
If I only knew how vulnerable
I looked on the outside.
#
When I grew older, the horses arrived
I learned magic with my hands and healed them
With my mind.
Hours in the stableblock, whispering
Hauling hay
Sweating in my good body, girl body,
Woman’s body
That threatened to turn bad.
Dangerous in my knee socks
And my skirt
Thigh-high.
And now it was drink and endless nights.
Told I loved the drama
Instead I tried to hide.
You’d find me under tables and in cupboards most times.
Overwhelmed from the pain
I carried
Inside.
They didn’t want to know—
Thought that my instability
Was an affront to their ability
Every mouthful I denied
Mocking their sacrifice,
Sometimes I still feel the choke
Where food symbolised
The food of love.
#
Painted patterns
On my skin
Needles pushed through cartilage.
A different kind.
As a child I worshipped
At the stain-glass walls
Now I worship
Under artist’s scrawls
The sound of the gun can penetrate
Through to the bone.
Pressing to become more real, more real
More.
I found a man
Who called me home
That irresistible emptiness
So familiar
Beckoning forth.
#
Body rounding, what is this?
I know I dreamed of you
Little fish
You wriggle and thrive
And all I have to do to keep you
Is survive
And birthing you could be
The hardest thing in my life
And I did it,
And you’re here
And you’re telling me that it was all lies.
Look how the pretty one
Can be bloody and wise
Roaring her child earthside
#
Unlearning takes time.
The labyrinth to traverse
The lessons so hard
You have to learn twice.
I am not the dancing girl
But the woman
In her fortress.
The warrior
Even when my voice trembles.
Those hands for healing
Now used in birthing
The power that I find in words
Come together
Weave
A magic web around my world
#
You will attempt to cross
At your peril.
