I'm the heaviest I've ever been.
At least I think I am - I don't weigh myself, never have. I generally use my clothes as a measure.
Growing up I had a very unhealthy relationship with food and was so paranoid about my weight. I developed early and used to wear oversized clothes to hide my body, having earned crude nicknames already by age 13. I developed an eating disorder as a teenager, trying to shrink myself out of existence, a problem that came back briefly in my early twenties where I would try to get through an 8 hour shift fuelled by a couple of crackers. This was combined with stomach issues that meant often whatever I ate would go straight through me, due to anxiety and panic attacks.
I've written before about how pregnancy resolved so many of my body issues, that food no longer felt like the enemy, like my body working and growing made it feel purposeful and strong rather than decorative. Breastfeeding my baby made me appreciate food like never before.
Finding veganism gave me a structure I wanted and a reason for the repugnance I felt with animal products. I am always reluctant to link my eating issues with veganism so as not to give the wrong impression - for me it was a very positive thing. I don't think about food negatively anymore. Adverts almost always aren't relevant to me. It's like the noisy buzz of food consumption has quieted and I can just eat delicious food that nourishes me.
Two years ago I lost a lot of weight. It was a combination of stress, the copper IUD, sleep deprivation and the relationship that I was in. I remember hardly recognising myself in the mirror. I am on a group for fertility charters and found a post I had made at the time where I was asking about anti depressants. The first photo of me pregnant with Autumn-Violet is a tiny, fragile woman who looks as though she might blow away. It wasn't normal for me.
Post-birth, post-refuge, my body has changed and so have I. I don't need to weigh myself to know that I am the biggest I have ever been. While this does occasionally niggle at me due to societal conditioning and I may have a little moan, it's also the cause for huge celebration. My reaction to sadness in my life was always to restrict my food, I can directly correlate my weight with how I felt at the time.
So for me being rounder means...
I can buy all the delicious food that I like and eat whatever meals I like
I sit in the evening with tea and biscuits and revel in the peace and calm
I can treat myself to meals out and takeaways
I am not trying to shrink away to please a man or society
I take up space
I am not unhappy
I am not stressed
I am soft
I am not rushing
I am nourished
I am feeling good enough
I am feeling loved
Rounder and rosier - what a difference a year makes.
Venus is in Scorpio and I am really feeling all this sensual, feminine, creative, kundalini energy. Generally floating around like a free flowing goddess right now and feeling balanced and happy.
Life is good.
