Hairstory/Herstory

Hairstory/Herstory

4 is when I remember

Being blonde, and sweet.

Fairy Ellen living in a daydream.

8 when my hair started to darken

And curl

As I reached womanhood

When I first knew what it was like

To feel ugly.

13, straightening my shining coils

In the hall mirror

So I wouldn't look so different,

So unlike the beauty standard.

15 when my boyfriend ran up to me

And said

"Now your hair is short

There is nothing special about you anymore."

That one still bites.

17 when I got depressed

Cut it all off, wore hats and shirts

Flattened my breasts

And wondered

If I would be happier as a boy.

I threw myself into work making coffee

And lifting the spirits of strangers

My first spiritual role.

19 when my hair was henna red and I was in love and awkwardly beautiful for a time.

20, the year of bleach and exploration

And the year my husband laughed at me

And said there was a phrase

In Polish that meant

"Smelly dreadlock"

23 when I cut it all off after having my new baby

And cried and cried and cried.

I went all the colours of the rainbow

Trying to find myself.

I eventually succeeded.

26 when he shaved my hair

So close to the skin

I looked like a prisoner

It was an act of violence.

27 when I did nothing and let my hair

Knot together like I'd always wanted

The year people told me that white women

Couldn't have dreadlocks

At the same time people shouted at my brother

In the street

“Jew.”

27 when I combed my hair out crying

In the refuge mirror at the thought

That I still carried anything from him

On my body.

28 when he said

"You're de-armouring for me."

He was mistaken.

I am a master of disguise.

29 when I made myself the most beautiful crown

For my final victory.

When my hair tickled him on the nose

And in sleep

It held his scent

It's final act of beauty.

It was my cloak of protection

To help crack open my vulnerability.

30, I survived, now stripped back and

Hopeful.

No hair

My worst nightmare before

I knew what real nightmares are made of.

Learning not to annihilate old versions

Of myself

For I am still them.

New as baby bird feathers

New as the dawn and the heart that is brave enough

To start again.

The Altar

I've been waiting for this release

Since the last one.

I never get tired of the way my body

Lets go

As if you'd never been.

What a miracle it is

To hold somebody in your heart

While bleeding them out of your womb.

And the gurus they chant over and over

They're not the body.

Maybe if you're a man that's the path to salvation.

They say that in the story of Christ

They pierced his side

To imitate the death cycle of woman.

For man, what is initiation?

Like Peter Pan they fly away when faced

With death and life and love.

I've never met one who could meet me

In the depths of the earth

Where I reside.

But I don't lose hope.

My belly aches

I sit like a cup of communion wine that's

Overflowing

My nose picks up the scent of the cup

That was held to my lips as a child

The metallic sweet bitterness

Transports me through time

And for a moment I wonder

If I'm being called back to the altar

If the gurus are right.

Then I realise

That smell is mine.

- Jenny Wren

Birth As Initiation

When I say birth is an initiation I mean...

The woman must let her old self die in order to bring forth the new version of herself in the form of Mother. Even if she has done it before.

So much pain and trauma around childbirth comes from these initiations that were never properly supported, and I believe that in these cases some part of the self is still stuck in the "Death" part of Life/Death/Life, where nobody was there to hold sacred space. This is why subsequent births can be so healing, as we complete the cycle as it was intended.

Part of this surrender of birth means realising that she is at once in the body and yet not of the body, she is part of the universal life force, she is at once herself and every mother there ever was, she faces her own mortality, she lets go of any preconceived ideas about who or what she is and becomes simply her true essence.

In any spiritual experience you would be supported by a guide, somebody who had walked this path before you, and this is what my work is about.

For women who are planning on birthing, surrounded yourself with loving and experienced support. Plan for this initiation gently and with love. Take time to dream, to breathe and be, take time to be in nature, seek pleasure. Find the balance of preparation and surrender. And find your guide